Funny Top Ten Lists for Teachers
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David Letterman is one of the funniest guys on TV (more so now that Jerry is gone)and the Top Ten Lists are obviously the best thing on his show (No offence to Stupid Pet Tricks & Stupid Human Tricks). Here's just a sample of some of his better Top Ten's with some of the less funny numbers taken out and replaced with mine... From the Home office in Calgary, Alberta, Here are the Top Ten... "Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves" 10. He charges you by the leaf 9. Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake 8. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them 7. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline 6. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?" 5. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch staring at the rake menacingly. 4. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial 3. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay" 2. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous for those "Home Alone" movies 1. His motto: rake a leaf, do a shot "Signs Your Golf Partner is a Killer" 10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo 9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel 8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman 7. When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention 6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole 5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag 4. When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!" 3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt 2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid schizophrenia" 1. There�s a decapitated head in his golf bag "Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School" 10. "I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp" 9. "The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy" 8. "Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be going out with you again this year 7. "Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass" 6. "Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class" 5. "The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler room" 4. "Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?" 3. "Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow" 2. "My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me from last year as Mr. Rosenblum" 1. "I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler" "Signs Your Elementary School Principal is Nuts" 10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules" 9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with his pet monkey Earl 8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust 7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet blanket 6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets 5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play 4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking textbooks 3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always turns to �Nam 2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the freeway 1. He insists that he be called: Xena Warrior Principal "Ways to Make School More Appealing to Teenagers" 10. In biology class, dissect least popular student 9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell 8. Every day at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call 7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of Our Country" 6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room 5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing 4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff 3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards" 2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters 1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike Signs you won�t be Getting Into College" 10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot 9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's uniform 8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell 7. To study for your Physics final, you simply watch Star Trek 6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "castration" 5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good, honest book-larnin'" 4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled 3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie" 2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black 1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College" "Ways to Get Yourself Thrown Out of the Olympic Village" 10. Announce that you're the "Official Crack Dealer of the 1996 Olympics" 9. Ask strangers in the men's room to help you apply your Ben Gay 8. Pierce "Izzy" the mascot with a well-aimed javelin 7. Everytime a Mexican athlete says, "Hola," you cover your ears and yell, "Quit messing with my head, dude!" 6. Drink a lot of iced tea, try to extinguish the Olympic flame 5. At food court, demonstrate your shot-put technique with Swedish meatballs 4. Tell Lithuanian basketball coach that for five grand, you'll "Tonya Harding" the Dream Team 3. Ride elevators naked, claiming that it's the "traditional Greco-Roman way" 2. Have your drug test taken by Robert Downey Jr. 1. Drop your pants and shout, "Time to pass the baton!"
Source: https://members.tripod.com/~Daniel_Arnold/Letterman.html
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